i look at myself. i ask myself, what have i accomplished, really? i haven't really made a difference in the world. i haven't really made a difference to the people in my life. yes, i've succeeded in school, but i haven't succeeded in anything practical. i haven't succeeded in anything that's truly worthwhile in the real world.
i understand so little in even my own life. i understand so little about how i should treat other people. i understand so little about the little intricacies and details that matter the most.
maybe, we really do need to just step back and look at the bigger picture to really understand what is going on. when you're putting together something, taking as a simple example an office chair, and you come across a problem and something gets stuck, do you simply keep trying to jam the piece in so that it fits? the same could be said about a math problem; when stuck, do you just keep writing lines down and hoping that it will all work out in the end? i know i do. i know i try to brute force my way through a lot of broken things. and yes, sometimes it works. but other times, i need to put it down, give it a minute, take it apart, and try another approach. i'm going to run with that math problem example. i've had to erase entire page-long solutions before. and it's never a good feeling. especially when i don't even know if erasing everything will churn out something that's right. but sometimes, that's the right choice, and the correct solution is only 2 or 3 lines long. maybe i need to learn to do that with my life. give it a minute, take a step back, and try something else.
everyone has expectations for themselves and for others around them. i know who i want to be. i know what i need to do to be that person. close the discrepancy between my ideal self, and my real self. hopefully, one day, i will make it.
