i miss the girl who called me names like terrykins and baby boop. i miss the way she talks to me so sweetly. the voice that could make all my troubles seem non existent. i miss the way she hugs me and tells me she loves me. i miss the way she calls me stinky, jokingly but serious at the same time. i miss how she would wake me up in the morning even though she knows i would absolutely love to sleep in. i miss how she would squeeze my hand when we're walking down the street.

i miss my girl, the girl i would love to marry.

[ undeserving ]

I'll be honest.

I've avoided writing in here because this place is so filled with sad shit that has basically made it lose its original purpose of me scribbling down random thoughts. and maybe because of that, I just don't ever want to write in here to falsely convince myself and avoid reminding myself of all the things I've screwed up and continue to screw up.

Times like these I feel like she deserves someone better than me, and I know she feels that way too. The amount of crap i put her through, the fights over such stupid things I can avoid doing easily if I just thought about it for any time at all.

But I never want to tell her because I know she'll agree with me and put her foot down for the last time, and decide it really isn't worth it. Even though I know she doesn't deserve it, I continue to be selfish and try to keep her with me. I'm a selfish fool and she is the one to pay for it. and as selfish as this sounds, I hope that she'll still love me.

[ 4 am ]

And if I don't make it known that
I loved you all along
Just like sunny days that
We ignored because
We're both dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out whats wrong

[ i need a dr ]

[ splinters on the ground ]

i broke my bed.

[ symptoms ]

i feel nauseous and sick. i feel like puking even though i don't think my stomache has much in it. i feel like my heart's ready to just jump out. i can't concentrate on anything, and i feel like i'm really having trouble functioning and trying to get through this longass day. before i can even ready myself for today, tomorrow is on the brink. i'm losing my mind.

maybe those nacho fries have finally caught up with me. but i know this feeling all too well.

i need a doctor.

[ clutch ]

i don't understand, how i manage to fuck this day up every single year. any other day would be fine, but always, ALWAYS today i fuck it up. it's like of all the days i could fuck up, it just HAS to be today. i don't understand. i really, really don't understand. how come i can't make it count when it matters.

[ one step forward, two steps back ]

today is valentine's day. and on the day of valentine's day, when it matters, i have been a hypocrite. i talked about how i had such an unforgettable, unbelievable, magically wonderful weekend with my girlfriend, but on valentine's day, i fail to make her feel like she means the world to me. i fail to let her know that out of all the people in the world, she is the one i want to be with. on the day that it counts, i messed up. ironic how things turned out. i don't want to tarnish my last post with this one, just because, well, i don't feel like i should lessen what i experienced the past few days, but at the same time, i'm going to deny that i screwed up the real valentine's day, again. you'd think after 5 years a guy would learn huh. but guess not. 5 years and counting i can still make her feel like she's not worth my time. 5 years and counting, another valentine's that she can look back at and shake her head. i promised her and myself that i wouldn't screw this day up again. but look what i've done. i'm a fool stuck on a treadmill.

[ hearts hearts hearts ]

valentine's day shouldn't be about flowers, chocolates, or gifts.

it really is just about letting that special someone know how much they mean to you.

how much you care about them, how much you want to be with them.

so what the hell does a rose say about that, other than a cliched representation of valentine's day?

although i didn't get to spend my actual valentine's day with the girl who has continously taken my breath away for almost 5 years (and counting) i don't think i could have found a better way to have spent our makeshift valentine's together.

making cake together, cooking the most delicious dinner ever, playing scrabble and making up silly words, cuddling and sleeping in until the afternoon, this was so much better than going out, so much more meaning. i felt so much closer to her, and i felt that when i held her in my arms and told her i love her, that she could really feel my heart beat next to hers. i wouldn't have traded this past weekend for anything, only maybe perhaps for the next time that we get to do the same thing.

sometimes, the simplest thing can go the furthest. the simplest stay-at-home date could mean so much more and be so much more fun than an extravagant dinner at a popular restaurant. i had always known that being with my girlfriend would make me happy no matter what we're doing or where we are. this weekend just really showed me how strong love can really be.

[ no strings attached ]

i spent this past weekend in london with my lovely girlfriend, and we ended up going to see this movie, "no strings attached". the poster describes it pretty well - can sex friends stay best friends?

this is a very interesting topic. the movie does it pretty well. ashton kutcher and natalie portman are sex friends. they make a vow at the beginning of the movie not to fall in love with each other, and if they do, their relationship as sex friends ends right there and then. well, you can guess what happens.

so, can people have sex without the emotional attachment? this is my take.

no.

it's as simple as that. scientifically speaking, having sex causes the release of hormones in your body that creates this sense of connection. well, that alone indicates a huge no-no in terms of the original question. but what about one-night stands? booty calls?

in my mind, i'm thinking, why the hell would two people have sex if they don't feel a connection or a want to be with each other? the physical/sexual attraction is one thing, but that usually leads to other things right? it's like when you walk into mcdonald's, you can't just sit there and watch other people eat. you have to get something to eat for yourself. to me, sex and true feelings must come hand in hand. it's a symbiotic relationship - one cannot exist without the other. sort of.

so what about those one night stands? the whores and sluts of these world who would open their legs just for the attention? i believe that as the influence of society, which is a topic for another day.

i believe that human beings are innately inclined to love one another. like i said, love and sex go hand in hand. love is the emotional connection between two people, and sex is, well, the physical. i believe that when two people are doing whatever behind closed doors, there is always, ALWAYS, meaning behind it, whether there's intent to be or not. it's impossible to maintain a "sex-friends" or "friends with benefits" relationship. as human beings, it's engraved into our brains by nature that sex will always mean so much more.

that said, the movie was great.

and just to inject a little hypocrisy into this post, enjoy the following.

[ over the horizon ]

what am i afraid of?

the only thing that i'm afraid of is losing things. losing myself in the stereotype, losing my pride and dignity, losing loved ones.

so why does it matter what other people think of me, if and when i say something that my offend them?

clearly, i would have a reason to say something. clearly, i'm standing up for something i believe in.

why am i so afraid of how they might feel, how they might react? this freedom of speech crap, freedom of belief, there's no real freedom. people judge. people will look at you funny, like people look at me and i can feel them thinking, "this kid. i'm twice as old as he is. who does he think he is." but thing is, it doesn't matter what they think. i'm in control of my life. most of the people i see everyday will play no further impact to my future. it doesn't matter what they think of me, it doesn't matter how they react. the people who do matter in my life, who do give a damn about my life, won't judge me, they won't scrutinize me, so i shouldn't ever think twice about letting them know how i feel.

this goes back to the assertiveness i mentioned in the last post. i will take control. i don't need to be afraid, as there is absolutely nothing that i should be afraid of.

[ resolutions ]

2011 is just about kicking in. and with the new year, i think i want to make this year one that will make a huge impact on my life.

turning 20 this year, it's time to outgrow all the idiocy and junk and leave those teen years behind. or try anyway. in any case, it's about time for me to start taking control of my life, better who i am right now and become that person that i want to be. you could even call this year a kind of to-do list..

more or less, i just want to be more pro-active this year. this is kind of vague, but it kind of leads to the things that i want to accomplish this year. i think what is most important to keep up with this objective is for me to manage my time better. less wasted time equals to higher productivity on all fronts. i've started to use my planner more, and have started making daily lists of things that need to be done.

a. being a better boyfriend

i guess this is more of an ongoing task. i can never be a good enough boyfriend, there will always be room for improvement. the key component to this objective, i guess, would be to be more decisive. no more procrastinating, no more empty words. sometimes change and unexplored territory is a good thing; i need to get that into my head. if i'm going to say that i'm going to do something, then i should just go ahead and do it. i think if i can do that, my love-life will be that much better.

b. staying healthy

this would probably encompass a good many things. i want to eat better and eat healthier. no more of that fast food junk (too often.. nacho fries are just too good to resist). eating healthier would mean having 3 meals a day, and each meal should be healthy and not just be a bowl of instant noodles. in addition to eating healthier, i want to establish an exercise schedule/routine that i can commit to, so i can stay in/get in better shape. lets dooooooooooo it.

c. pursuing my interests

it never really occurred to me how much i've really put off what i liked to do as a kid. reading, drawing, playing music; these things used to be my hobbies. i don't really have hobbies anymore. if i honestly have nothing better to do with my time, i want to pick these up again. pick up a pad and pencil and just sketch whatever comes to mind. go to the library and pick out some books to read. pick up my guitar and learn some songs. when the season comes, grab my basketball, go to a court, and get up some shots. would probably make me a more interesting person and less of the stereotypical young adult that our generation seems to represent so well.

d. pursuing my academics

this has no doubt been a given all my life, but really, i feel like there is always room for improvement. whether it be actually giving a damn about classes before exams roll around, or studying that extra 2 hours instead of catching a ball game, further success here will bring wins all around. what's more is that i want to look ahead to see what kind of career i would really be interested in. i want something to shoot for, something to look forward to doing everyday of my life in the future.

i think this is a pretty hefty list. got a lot of catching up to do with my life. 2011, brace yourself.