what a fucking terrible week. my body is screaming at me. my brain is completely brained out. and the duct tape holding my heart together is going through its fair share of wear and tear.
(i almost spelled that fare shair of ware and tair. that's how fucked my brain is right now.)
in one week, i've gone through spurts of depression, seemingly self-destructive thoughts and intentions. i've seem to hit a wall in school. for the first time in my life nothing that i learn in school is going into my head, and i'm even having trouble concentrating and motivating myself to do better. my fucking toilet clogged and won't unclog, and i have no fucking idea what to do about it. i've had 4 assignments, a lab report, a quiz worth 8% of my final grade, and an interview all jammed into one week. my life has been too busy for me to even eat lunch for half the week. i can't enjoy watching my hockey team beat up a rival, and i can't even enjoy acing an interview for a potential job. i feel ashamed of myself, my parents, and my family. my girlfriend is tired of me and the drama that seems to follow me around everywhere.
yknow what? i'm tired of it myself.
i'm tired of trying so hard to make everyone happy, and failing hard at it everytime. i'm tired of putting myself out there, only to get stoned. i' m tired of letting people push me around, and helping me back up just to push me back down. i'm tired of having thoughts put in my head. i'm tired of believing what others want me to believe. i'm just so tired of all this shit that happens to me, because i try to be a "good person" in my mind. my "ideal self".
because i always. ALWAYS. just get hurt.
just fuck the world. i can't seem to enjoy anything for myself anymore without someone else fucking yelling at me and telling me i can't have it.
maybe i should go see a psychologist.
nah. fuck that. i'd just be doing what other people tell me to do. again.
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